Having Children Will Forever Change A Person

It is sometimes hard to realize in the beginning how having a child will forever change your life.

As a child, my sister and I had dreams about what the future would hold for both of us. She always thought I would be better with animals than with children and she would make a better mother than me. I think I have proven her wrong on at least one count, I think I am a very good mother and good around children in general.

My life did not exactly turn out as I hoped it would, but it is still all good. It would have been nice if I lived near my sisters and we could raise our children together, but my younger sister is in another city, my youngest sister will not be having children, and I am planning on moving out of the country with my family.

When I first met my better half, things were good and bad. He came from an extremely dysfunctional family. His mother was hardly ever around because she worked almost all day in a downtown office. His father was an unemployed truck driver with no ambition to go out and look for work, but had no interest in watching his own children. That responsibility went directly to his oldest son, my soon to be husband.

I knew one day I wanted children, but he was never thrilled about the idea having to raise his younger siblings. I helped with his brothers and sisters and became a full time nanny looking after them all. It was a very loud house with much abuse going around. It probably should have been enough to scare me away, but being young I thought perhaps if I stick it out I could change it. It wasn't going to happen.

Way before I met him, I was pregnant after a rape. I had a miscarriage within the first 3 months. It was just something I did not really want to think about and still try to block from my mind.

My first unexpected pregnancy with him was a pleasant surprise to me. I hoped it would be the start of something great. I made all kinds of plans on how I would keep it. Unfortunately, I was not married and he wanted nothing to do with it and pressured me into an abortion. I had moral reasons against it. It was just plain wrong.

I did not want to do it, but I did not see I had any other choice when the adoption agency told me outright that the likelihood of a mixed race child being adopted was not good. I didn't exactly have a good relationship with my parents at the time. I didn't have a job that would pay to support me and a child. I had nowhere to live and no other friends. I was at my boyfriend's mercy and he would not have anything to do with the child. I went along with him.

Before anyone lectures me about how wrong it is to have an abortion, please tell me where were you when we needed you. Until there is a system in place to give all children born a home where they will be loved, supported and cared for there needs to be options that are less cruel for both the mother and child.

Yes, I stayed with him. I put up with so much abuse and mistreatment because I loved him and I loved his brothers and sisters. If I left, there would be very little protection of them from their father's abuse. He had mental issues and suffered depression, but refused to get help.

I had two more pregnancies with him that ended in abortion. Eventually, we got married. I thought perhaps things would be better, especially as we moved out of his family's home. It was for awhile, until he lost his job two weeks after we got married because he showed up drunk at work. I was almost ready to quit, but I still loved him. I put up with his obnoxious treatment of me and hoped he would change.

Eventually, he got a job. Then his father, who had moved to Tennessee the day before we got married, called him up and asked him to move down to work. He got another job and I moved in the same house and put up with the same hassles as before. My husband was reluctant to move because he worried about the expense and said we should wait until we could afford it.

I ended up pregnant again. I put my foot down and told him I was keeping it. He threatened to kill himself in front of me if I kept it. I wrestled the gun from him and he calmed down. I miscarried soon after. I also left him.

He found me and begged me to come back. He promised things would change and we would get our own place. I agreed and came back. I even worked two jobs while I ran my father-in-law's business he inherited from his mother. I thought surely we could move out soon, but he complained we just were not making enough money.

Another bun in the oven. Again I stood my ground, but he resigned himself to that fact. I worked hard to try to make sure we could afford it which is a struggle when you do not have insurance. Then in my 7th month I went into early labour and delivered a stillborn baby. I did not see it. I did not want to know about it. I just wanted to forget it ever happened. It still haunts me what happened and who it would have been, but I just could not face it.

Even my father-in-law thought I would never have children and would gloat about it. [Yes, he was an asshole.]

The next time around, at least I was insured. I got prenatal care. I took the vitamins. I ate right. I exercised. I also worked two full time jobs. I finally had a baby girl.

That pregnancy didn't exactly go smoothly as I hoped. I was working alone in a coffee booth that was a 12x12 foot box where people drove up to order their coffee. The day before I felt really tired as I was talking to my sister on the phone. I suddenly felt very wet. I asked her what it felt like when the waters break. She said when it happens I would know it. Besides, I wasn't even at the 6th month yet and I did have problems with my bladder.

I went into work and got prepared for the long queue of cars waiting for their morning fix. Then I felt a sharp pain and a quaking feeling rumbling across my abdomen. I thought maybe I was just hungry and tried to ignore it and finished up the orders. All of a sudden, a really heavy gush came out of me and I knew there was no mistake that the baby was coming.

I phoned my husband who was on his way to work and he was reluctant to take me to the hospital because he didn't want to be late for what he thought must have been a false alarm. I had to close shop quickly and call my boss. After awhile, my husband showed up resenting having to do it then dropped me off in the wrong wing of the hospital to hurry off to work. Thankfully an orderly summoned for a wheelchair and took me to the right place two blocks away.

I was in labour. They gave me drugs to stop it and told me I would have to spend the rest of the time in bed. I could not even leave to go to the bathroom. I thought I would go insane having to be on my back for a long time, but it didn't work out that way. Two days later, I was awakened by the nurses who were handing out the breakfast. I had zero appetite and felt nauseous. Then three hours later I went into labour again. As it was so early on in the pregnacy, they could not read the contractions on the machine and assumed I wasn't far along.

They put me into the labour room where I was isolated from almost all human contact. I was mad at my husband for leaving me alone when I needed him and did not tell him I was in labour because I did not want to hear him complain he would miss work.

The room was cold and barren except for machines and a television. I did not really want to watch anything as I was in extreme pain. The doctors would not give me anything at all to dull the pain because they did not think I was that far along according to the machine. I was in pain for 8 hours of intense labour without drugs.

Then I was in tears. A nurse's assistant came by to comfort me and saw my baby's head halfway sticking out. Quickly they lifted me up into a stretcher and put me into the delivery room. Again, no drugs, nothing whatsoever to numb the pain. Then came the cruel cut, the episiotomy. There was no time to put anything in the area to numb it. She just cut me down there and was critical of me for screaming [what a jerk!]. Before I knew it, my girl was born. They ripped her away from me and briefly held her up before rushing her off into an incubator where it would be another 3 hours until I could see her. She was born 3 months early and was under 3 pounds.

The hospital took really good care of her, but they were terrible when it came to treating mothers. The day I was discharged from the hospital I went back to work in the same hospital I just left to watch after a patient who was a six foot five inch tall man and stayed up all night for the shift. At least I could see my girl after the shift. No surprise, two weeks later I was admitted back into the hospital.

When I finally was able to bring my child home, I thought I would do my best to save up to leave my father-in-law's home. My husband was still reluctant to leave. I knew I would have to leave when my father-in-law showed up at work where I was an assistant manager training my new staff and he was cussing me out for not getting dishes cleared. This is a man who did nothing but sit around the house all day and left me to run his business, watch his children while I also worked. He would not lift a finger to do any housework. I had a newborn premie to take care of and no help from anyone. When I arrived home that night, he got in my face while I was trying to feed my girl. I was really about ready to stab him with a knife that was near on the counter, but she wiggled in my arms and reminded me that this jerk was not worth it, so I left and ran to a neighbor who took me in until my parents could get me.

I told my husband I would not come back to him unless he found a place to live. He finally did, even though his father stalked us for a few months.

In the beginning, with one child, things seem pretty easy. Our home was pretty clean, until she learned to walk. She had a mind of her own and was colicky. She was very independent and smart. She has a real devotion to her father and tended to treat me like her servant. I adore her. I would read her a story every day. I taught her to count by the time she was 2. She eventually became my little helper.

Then child number two came along...

The situation was different before my son was born. My husband was a manager of a shoe store and transferred to a city away from his father. We had no friends or family nearby and were pretty much alone. When I found out I was pregnant, I was reluctant to tell my husband the news because he was not happy about the idea of having any more children. I kept it a secret for as long as possible, but soon I had to tell him. He had a fit until I told him I would agree to get my tubes tied after he was born. Between knowing this would not happen again and the fact that I was having a boy, my husband was becoming a perfect father.

I made sure early on in the pregnancy that the doctor would make sure the moment I went into labour I would have pain killers. I also had the struggle with my doctor who was Jewish on the issue of circumcision. I did not want to give my son that cut.

With my son, the pregnancy was easier. I worked at home. I was in better health. Everything was going fine...until the accident at the store which had me laid up on my back for the last two months. Despite that, he was born right on time as predicted by the doctor. I went into labour at 4 in the morning was at the hospital by 4:30 and hooked up to an epidural, then my son was born at 11 in the morning. Labour and delivery was in the same room. This time my husband and daughter was with me until it came time to push.

I was glad that my son did not leave my side once through the whole ordeal. They washed him up in the same room and handed him right to me which instantly bonded us. For the next 8+ years, my son hated to leave my side.

Both of my children are so different and have qualities I admire. Yes, it is possible to fall in love with your children. Sure they give me a hard time, lie to me, don't do what they are supposed to do, get in trouble, break things, make a mess...but I wouldn't trade those hassles for anything in the world. They truly make my life complete.